SCENE 1 [IN MAHMUD’S CAR]
[MAHMUD AND OLA, BOTH SWEATY, STUCK IN TRAFFIC, GLASSES WOUND DOWN AS AC ISN’T
WORKING, THE DASH-BOARD IS DUSTY AND THE CAR OVERALL ISN’T PARTICULARY CLEAN. THE REAR-VIEW MIRROR BEARS A MUSLIM ROSARY BOUND AROUND ITS NECK BOTH MEN THROWING BANTERS AT EACH OTHER AND HAVING A GOOD LAUGH]
MAHMUD: Guy, see as you dey sweat, Na wetin sef, Na today you don dey enter car wey no get AC?
OLA: [HISSES] See person wey dey talk? You dey even sweat for nose, wicked guy!
MAHMUD: [BOISTEROUS LAUGH] You dey craze, mad man!
OLA: [LAUGHS. GULPS FROM THE LUCOZADE BOOST DRINK IN HIS RIGHT HAND THE WHOLE TIME] Yeye, see you!
MAHMUD: [WIPES SWEAT OFF HIS FACE WITH A DIRTY LOOKING FACE TOWEL] How is Moyo na?
OLA: [LIGHTS UP] Ah! Na my babe you just call like that, you no first sound alarm? She’s good o. Over-love dey worry me over Moyo. Mehn, you won’t understand but that lady is a queen! Moyo na real babe, she still kon sabi pray like there’s no tomorrow. Honestly, I’m proud o and I no fit wait.
MAHMUD: [GRINNING WIDELY] Oshey, Pastor OLA don fall in love! Guy, Na Msc. We go do that year wey you just glue the girl o! And Moyo sef kon sabi, sharp girl, she see fine fresh boy wey still dey holy, she no dull herself!
[BOTH MEN SHARE A GOOD LAUGH, TRAFFIC EASING OUT]
OLA: [LAUGHS] Na so na, nothing spoil. She dey follow me go Jos be that! I see lecturing job for UNIJOS, so I’ll be relocating from Abuja soonest.
MAHMUD: [PLEASANTLY SURPRISED] Wow, Ola
Baba, you no dey ever disappoint. Congrats man! [BOTH MEN BUMP FISTS]. So, you and Moyo are getting married when?
OLA: Na wetin carry me come Lagos be that sef. Myself and her are proposing November but I want to meet with her parents first. I been no wan tell you till I don go there, hear their verdict sha. But this year hopefully!
MAHMUD: [PLEASANTLY SURPRISED] Wow, guy. I’m so happy. Make I dey prepare for best man role be that o. No dulling.
OLA: [LAUGHS EXCITEDLY] Sure thing bro, Na you be my best man.
MAHMUD: [GRABS HIS HALF EMPTY BOTTLED WATER AND GULPS DOWN] OLA, Na you cause this kain hold-up wey we dey so o. And I told you I want to pick my madam up at Estate Gate, she don call me tire, she can be crazy like that, called me 10 good times!
OLA: [RAISES EYEBROWS AS HE WIPES SWEAT OFF HIS FOREHEAD WITH A BLUE HANDKERCHIEF] Haba, 10 missed calls; for what Na?! Where she dey come from sef?
MAHMUD: [MAKES A BLAND HISSING SOUND] Person born for her family, Na there she go yesterday. See you, marriage is not easy o. You sef go soon marry na. Gosh, OLA! I dey always believe say I dey quiet but this girl wey I marry doesn’t take prisoners. I’m even afraid of reaching her pick-up location now, the kain para wey she go give me after all these driving stress now, I don’t even know!
[OLA ANGRY AND IMPATIENT TO CHIP IN HIS 50 CENTS. MAHMUD’S PHONE RINGS, HE CHECKS THE SCREEN, IT’S HIS MUM, HE PUTS THE PHONE IN SILENCE AND TUCKS IT IN HIS POCKET] Na she dey call me again so o, if I dare pick that call, the kain hala wey she go give me now ehn, I’ll just go steady.
OLA: [NOW OBVIOUSLY PISSED BY THE SEEMING EMASCULATION OF HIS FRIEND] but that’s too much Na guy, what kind of behavior is that? You better call her to order and take charge, Na so e dey start o, abi you no dey read news?
Crazy, possessive women don dey kill their husbands now o.
MAHMUD: [TWITCHES A LITTLE, AND ROBS HIS RIGHT EAR. EVEN HE HAS NO IDEA WHY HE WAS STUCK ON LYING, HE MAKES UP HIS MIND TO FOLLOW THROUGH ANYWAY] Na your sister sef!
OLA: How Na, I’ve not even met your wife before?
MAHMUD: [BARES ALL HIS DENTITION LAUGHING, OBVIOUSLY ENJOYING THE CONVERSATION. THE BEHAVIOUR BETRAYS HIS GENTLE MEEK FACIAL FEATURES] How will you know her, as you miss my wedding, I never forgive you o!
But on a serious note, she speaks Hausa wella, just like you do.
OLA: [GRINS] Oh, really? Nice! No vex na, how many times you wan remind me of missing your wedding, I don beg you tire!
[TRAFFIC EASES AND SOOTHING BREEZE RUSHES THROUGH THE WINDOWS AS THEY SPED PAST THE TRAFFIC LIGHT AT THE ROUND-ABOUT THAT CAUSED THE HOLD UP INITIALLY. THEY CHAT HAPPILY UNTIL THEY ARRIVE AT THE RENDEZVOUS TO PICK HABEEBAH] SCENE 2 [MAHMUD, OLA, HABEEBAH]
[HABEEBAH HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN WAITING FOR A LONG WHILE, STANDING AT A CONSPICOUS LOCATION SINCE HER PHONE WAS FLAT. HER FACE LIGHTS UP WHEN SHE SPOTS HER HUSBAND’S CAR. A FAIRLY SUNNY MORNING. 11:30AM. SHE ENTERS THE CAR AT THE BACK SEAT, EAGER TO START A LIGHT CONVERSATION]
HABEEBAH: Good morning guys! And here’s the famous OLA, pleased to meet you sir!
OLA: [SMILING] morning madam, pleasure to meet you too. How’s mummy, daddy and everyone? HABEEBAH: [LAUGHS GRACIOUSLY] Fine, fine, thank you sir!
OLA: But hajiya! You no try fa, me yasa kin ba abokina missed call har goma? We were held-up in traffic ne fa, my guy was even cowering just anticipating your reaction!
[Translation: how is it you gave my friend 10 missed calls?]
HABEEBAH: [CONFUSED, LOOKS TO MAHMUD WHO WAS OBLIVIOUS OF THE MEANING OF THE CONVERSATION, YET ENJOYING THE EXCHANGE OF ‘CORDIALTY’ AND WAS SMILING AS A RESULT] Me, missed calls? Ai, wayana tamutu tun da safe,I called him one time to tell him I will be waiting at Estate Gate since and was out of battery!
[TRANSLATION: My phone had since died]
[DISAPPOINTED AND SPEECHLESS, SHE FLASHES HER DEAD PHONE AT OLA WHO TURNS BACK TO SEE AND WAS SORRY FOR THE CONFUSION AND CONCERN IN HER VOICE.]Don Allah, ask him! He does this; ask him again, he’ll change the story now!
[MAHMUD MISSING THE LINK]
OLA:[TURNS TO MAHMUD] Guy, but you said madam has been calling you and harassing you over the phone?
MAHMUD: [CAUGHT UNAWARES, TURNS BACK TO SEE HABEEBAH CLOSE TO TEARS, STUTTERING] Haba guy, I was just joking na. [TURNS TO HIS WIFE, LEFT HAND ON STEERING, STRETCHES RIGHT HAND TO ROB HABEEBAH’S KNEE] Jorr mabinu shogbo, ma da loun, mo kan fin shey ere ni.
HABEEBAH: [ASKANCE] Okay!
OLA: [PERPLEXED] Na wa for you o Mahmud, which kain unnecessary lie be this? You F-UP abeg. [TURNS TO HABEEBAH] I apologise please, I shouldn’t have even interfered, you guys are husband and wife, I for no put mouth, na still kiss go finish the whole matter. I’m sorry, please!
HABEEBAH: Toh, it’s ok!
[HORNS HONKING, THE SUN IS HIGH AND A LOUSY BIKE RIDER CROSSES THEIR LANE AS OLA MOTIONS TO ALIGHT IN FRONT OF AN AUTOMATED TELLER MACHINE.]
BIKE MAN: [SHOUTS SOME LOUSY REMARKS AT THEM]
MAHMUD: Babe, come sit with me at the front.
HABEEBAH: Toh! [ALIGHTS AND TAKES THE PASSENGR SEAT IN FRONT]
OLA: [STANDING BY THE DRIVER’S SIDE OF THE CAR, SHAKING HANDS WITH MAHMUD] ok na, Mahmud, I’ll call you before I leave Lagos. [STICKS HEAD THROUGH THE WINDOW AND WAVES HABEEBAH] Ok, bye madam. Pleasure to meet you!
HABEEBAH: [ATTEMPTS A GENEROUS SMILE] Pleasure’s mine! [ALL THREE EXCHANGE BYES AND CLOSE].
SCENE 3. [HOME] [HABEEBAH AND MAHMUD, BEDROOM, MAHMUD FEIGNING SLEEP, HABEEBAH BUSY WITH A MIRROR.]
HABEEBAH: [SITTING AT THE EDGE OF THE BED FACING THE WINDOW, MIRROR IN ONE HAND, TOUCHES HER TEMPLES WITH THE OTHER, ACKNOWLEDGES THE FINE HAIRS ON BOTH SIDES AND LETS OUT A DRY SMILE. ATTEMPTS A FAKE SMILE TO SEE THE IMPRESSION HER DIMPLES MAKE, DIMPLES SURFACE, SATISFIED, SHE THEN LETS OUT A REAL SMILE. BEAUTY AND BIG EYES GO HAND IN HAND, SO SHE MAKES TO WIDEN HER EYES, THE ILLUSION OF A BOWL OF CRYSTAL CLEAR WATER WITH A PRECIOUS PEBBLE (HER EYE BALL) FLOATING IN THE MIDDLE. IN HUSHED TONE, SHE LETS OUT] ‘Beautiful’.
MAHMUD: [WATCHES BEMUSINGLY FROM BEHIND, LAUGHS OUT LOUD, STARTLING HABEEBAH] Salam alaykum darling!
HABEEBAH: [CALLS OFF HER SHENANIGANS WITH A SHY SMILE] Morning babe! MAHMUD: [TONGUE IN CHEEK] I love you more than you love your face! [LAUGHS OUT LOUD CLAPPING]
HABEEBAH: [LAUGHING MILDLY] since when have you been watching me?
MAHMUD: [CALL COMES IN JUST AS HE PUTS ON HIS PHONE, PICKS CALL IN HUSHED TONE]
Good morning! I’m home o, not doing anything serious. Not yet. Just relaxing, ok…thank you!
HABEEBAH: [WONDERING ABOUT THE HUSHED TONE BECAUSE SHE’S LOST COUNT OF SIMILAR BEHAVIOUR] Why the hushed tone babe? It’s not as if you’re doing or saying anything bad na, be bold when you speak to your friends or are you afraid of them ni?
MAHMUD: [GIGGLES] I didn’t realize I sounded different o, anyway I hear you madam, I’ll be bold ma. [HIS EYES ROAM AROUND THE ROOM AND DIDN’T MISS HOW WELL PUT EVERYTHING WAS, HE TOOK IN THE SIGHT OF THE ELECTRIC INCENSE BURNER, JUST BY THE PRAYING MAT NEATLY FOLDED WITH TWO QURAN CAREFULLY PLACED ONE ON TOP ANOTHER AND SATISFACTION FILLED HIS SENSES.
TRAINS HIS NOSE TO FOLLOW THE DIRECTION OF THE BURNING SCENT THAT RENTED THE AIR FROM THE INCENSE BURNER. HIS FACE FORMS A PROUD BUT SUBTLE GRIN] So what’s for breakfast? HABEEBAH: Yam with egg sauce sah.
MAHMUD: Ready?
HABEEBAH: yes ke, you know since when I’ve been awake? And you sabi groove belle things like no man’s biz, I don’t take chances when it comes to your meal and that you know!
MAHMUD: [LAUGHS OUT LOUD] ‘Egbe!’
HABEEBAH: [LAUGHS OUT LOUD] Even you know I’m wifey material, a 100 yards and more. [STICKS TONGUE OUT IN HIS FACE].
[HEARTY CHEERS, MAHMUD ROLLS OUT OF BED, THEY LOCK HANDS AND MAKE FOR THE DINING AREA.] SCENE 4. [PHONE CALL BETWEEN MAHMUD AND HIS MOTHER IN LAW]
MAHMUD: Salam alaykum ma
M-I-L: Wa alaykum salam oko mi, se aji daada , hope you aren’t missing your wife too much?
MAHMUD: Ah, I miss her o. even though she offended me before leaving!
M-I-L: Oh really, what happened?
MAHMUD: She doesn’t cook most times, and wakes up late. I’ve been enduring it though; just that it’s painful because I don’t like to eat out.
M-I-L: Ehen, you’re too soft and too quiet for my liking o Mahmud!
So you will be in the same house with her and she will not know what is your due in the name of sleeping and you condone it too? Now that she isn’t at home for me to deal with her and talk sense into her is when you are now mentioning it, is that how to show love, assuming you both think what you are doing is love?
You are not doing her a favour by keeping quiet o, but don’t worry, I will call her and give her a piece of my mind. I don’t like insolent behavior, I encourage my children to be happy but not at the expense of their spouses’ happiness. So what will you eat today?
MAHMUD: Don’t worry ma, I’m used to it. I will make one concoction rice since she didn’t leave any stew or soup in the fridge for me for the three weeks she will spend at the camp. [CHUCKLES] I’ll be fine ma, don’t worry.
M-I-L: Pele dear, I will call her and give her a piece of my mind. That her yeye camp that she went to is where I will let her know of her laziness.
MAHMUD:[CUTS IN, SOUNDING DESPERATE] Ah, mummy please o! Don’t tell her anything, I will handle the situation myself when she returns. I don’t want HABEEBAH’s trouble. Please ma, I beg you; promise me you won’t ask her about it. I want to be able to discuss with you in future, please don’t say anything to my wife.
M-I-L: Hmm, it’s that serious? Ok, motigbo oko mi. I won’t confront her but I will know how to handle it, but you have to be firm also. Love and understanding that we preach to you young couples does not mean you won’t say something when you see what you don’t like. Mabinu sho gbo!
MAHMUD: Yes ma, odabo ma, keni nice day!
M-I-L: odabo my dear.
[PHONE DISCONNECTS. MAHMUD BRINGS OUT A BOWL OF FRESHLY MADE STEW OUT OF THE FREEZER, HE DOESN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHY HE LIES COMPULSIVELY, BUT HE HEADS TO THE KITCHEN] SCENE 5 [3 WEEKS LATER] [HABEEBAH ARRIVES LAGOS FROM NYSC CAMP, STOPPED BY THE MARKET, AFTERWARDS WAVES DOWN A BIKE TO TAKE HER HOME]
HABEEBAH: Johnson Street
BIKE MAN: Yes, N200
HABEEBAH: Ok, you’ll keep my box with you at the front please, I’m carrying ground pepper and condiments here, make the nylon no go burst.
[THEY AGREE AND BIKE IS IN MOTION, HABEEBAH DISPLEASED WITH THE SEEMING SLOW SPEED] HABEEBAH: Oga, is this your machine ok?
BIKE MAN: Yes, why?
HABEEBAH: It’s just the way you are moving slowly.
BIKE MAN: ehn ehn, I’m moving slow? Na you I dey even pity as you be woman, wey you still carry load but now I go increase speed to show you my bike is not bad. I get the two for hand, both slow and fast.
[HE PUTS HIS FEET ON THE PEDAL AND ACCELERATES AT A RIDICULOUS RATE]
HABEEBAH: Please, please, I beg you, not this type of speed. Oya please go at your own speed!
BIKE MAN: It’s too late for that, una too dey think say you know pass okada man!
[HABEEBAH’S MOUTH GOES DRY, UNTIL THEY FINALLY REACH HER HOUSE. PAYS THE FARE AND THEY BOTH EXCHANGE AN UNEASY TELLING LOOK, ALMOST EYEING EACH OTHER]. SCENE 4 [PHONE CONVERSATION]
[HABEEBAH AND MOTHER]
HABEEBAH: [EXCITED] Ah, o ga o. you didn’t even call me throughout my camping, I was the one who called all the times that we spoke. I’ve been back for almost a week now and you still didn’t check on me. MOTHER: [HESITANT] Bawo ni o, e kaabo. How’s your husband?
HABEEBAH: He’s fine ma, he’s left for work.
MOTHER: OK o, did you give the poor guy food or you were snoring when he was going out?
HABEEBAH: [QUITE ANNOYED] He ate. Ok, goodbye. SCENE 5 [LIVING ROOM/ ANOTHER WEEKEND]
[MAHMUD AND HABEEBAH. A COSY ATMOSPHERE, TV ON BUT VOLUME TUNED LOW AS THEY CHAT HAPPILY]
MAHMUD: [PHONE RINGS CONTINOUSLY BUT HE DECLINES TO PICK]
HABEEBAH: [INNOCENTLY] be nice na babe, pick the person’s call now. Haba!
MAHMUD: [PHONE RINGS ONE LAST TIME] don’t mind Abbey jare, his job is flexible, he gets to spend time with his wife as he likes, then he wants to ruin my happy hour with my own wife, a chance that I get only on weekends.
HABEEBAH: [LAUGHS GENTLY] Thank you mi, husband material of life, a man after the prophet’s heart!
MAHMUD: Sallalahu Alayhi Wasalam
[HER OWN PHONE RINGS IN THE ROOM, AND SHE RUSHES IN TO PICK]
[HABEEBAH AND MOTHER, PHONE CONVERSATION]
HABEEBAH: Hello ma
MOTHER: Hellooo, e kaaro!
HABEEBAH: e kaaro ma!
MOTHER: how are you and your husband, hope you people have eaten or you are still sleeping at 9:30am?
HABEEBAH: [ANGRY AT HOW MEDDLESOME HER MOTHER HAS BECOME, CONTROLS HER BREATH] We have eaten.
MOTHER: [ABRUPTLY ENDS CALL] O dabo.
[HABEEBAH STAYS BACK A LITTLE TO PONDER OVER HER MOTHER’S RECENT BEHAVIOUR] SCENE 6 [LIVING ROOM]
[MAHMUD AND HABEEBAH]
[HABEEBAH ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM TRYING TO APPEAR UNDISTURBED BUT STUMBLES ON MAHMUD RECEIVING A CALL IN HUSHED TONES, MAHMUD APPEARS STARTLED]
HABEEBAH: [CONFUSED AND BEGINS TO CONNECT THE CALL SHE RECEIVED WITH THE CALLS HE WAS IGNORING]
Wait, so it was my mum that was calling you the whole time, and you waited for me to leave here before calling her back, exactly what have you been telling her about me?
No, no, no, this is unbelievable! No wonder she’s been acting strange lately, but really what have I done that you would do something like this? [BREAKS DOWN IN TEARS] I’m going to her place right away, I’ll let her know the kind of lying witch you are!
MAHMUD: [RAISES HIS VOICE] Mummy, don’t mind her o. don’t let her come to your place, she will come and lie against me.
[TURNS TO HABEEBAH] I forbid you to go anywhere, if you as much as step out of this house, this marriage is over!
M-I-L: [CONFUSED FROM ALL THE DRAMA] Mahmud, calm down. Put the phone on speaker.
HABEEBAH: [DASHES INTO THE BEDROOM AND EMERGES WITH A CHANGE OF CLOTHE AND A HANDBAG, SHAKING AND STAMMERING] Today, I’m done with all your nonsense and scheming. I endure all your lies and behavior but you will come between my mother and I in this manner for no reason?
M-I-L: [HEARTBROKEN TO HEAR HER DAUGHTER SO HURT AND CONFUSED, SPEAKS TO HER] Take it easy oko mi, mabinu. We will talk about it please.
MAHMUD: mummy tell her to not step out, if she does, it’s over, I will throw her things out before she comes back!
[MIL SPEECHLESS AT HIS BEHAVIOUR AND TONE. HABEEBAH EXITS THE FRONT DOOR]
SCENE 7
[SAME DAY, COUPLE’S HOME 4;00PM]
[HABEEBAH AND MAHMUD]
MAHMUD: [SITTING ON HIS FAVOURITE LONE CHAIR AT THE LEFT HAND CORNER OF THE LIVING ROOM, FUMING WITH RAGE WHILE FIDDLING WITH HIS PHONE, WONDERING WHAT HIS WIFE HAS LEARNT FROM VISITING HER MOTHER AND HOW STUPID HE MUST LOOK TO HIS M-I-L IF HIS WIFE HAS TOLD HER HOW MUCH STEW AND SOUP SHE STOCKED THE REFRIDGERATOR WITH BEFORE LEAVING FOR CAMP].
HABEEBAH: [IN THE BEDROOM, WET SKIN FROM ABLUTION, DONS A BIG VEIL AS SHE STRAIGHTENS PRAYING MAT AND COMMENCES PRAYER] Allahu Akbar!
MAHMUD: [WALKS TO THE BEDROOM, LIES ON THE BED, WATCHING HABEEBAH PRAY UNTIL SHE’S DONE] Allah will accept it dear!
HABEEBAH: [SITTING ON PRAYING MAT, TURNS TO LOOK AT HIM] Amin!
MAHMUD: [APOLOGETIC] Please let’s talk this over?
HABEEBAH: [GETS UP AND SITS BY HIS FEET]
MAHMUD: [SITS UP, RIGHT LEG BEHIND HER AND LEFT LEG ON GROUND. APOLOGETIC STILL] Habeebah, I'm sorry, please? [CLOSE TO TEARS]
HABEEBAH: [PREPARES TO EXPRESS HER FRUSTRATION, TURNS TO HIM SUDDENLY AND SEES HIS TEARY EYES, OVERCOME WITH EMOTION, SHE CHANGES HER MIND ABOUT EXPRESSING ANY SADNESS]
It’s okay dear. But you will have to agree to go for Ruqya; these types of lies could be an affliction, a type of Sihir you know!
MAHMUD: [STARTLED, LAUGHS GENUINELY AND TEAR DROPS FROM HIS EYE] Are you for real, Ruqya? Wetin I do? It’s not that serious na, I said I will change for good, even I am embarrassed with my behaviour!
HABEEBAH: [LIGHTENS UP WITH A SMILE] Ok o, we’ll see. But if something close happens one more time, you can’t escape Ruqya!
MAHMUD: [RELIEVED] Thanks HABEEBAH ,Allah bless you for me!
HABEEBAH: [HAPPY] And bless you for me, amin! Written by,
Kaffy.